17 April 2014 @ 10:09 pm
Almassy Legacy [9.2]: Burn Baby Burn!  


Finally back! Life's been mostly awesome stuff with some really shitty things thrown in, so I'd like to think that averages out pretty nicely. It feels kinda empty here on LJ lately... so why not have an update! I need a good push towards the end!

Anyways, what even happened ages ago in Almassyland? Fae received her golden ticket into the Almassy household by moving in with Orion, but now she probably reeeeeally regrets it. Frey handed out asskickings left and right to both Fae and Joseph, who just could not manage to patch things up with Madrine. The first baby of generation nine, Wade Haigh Almassy, was welcomed into the world, which also meant that it was about time for Madrine and Joseph to get old as dirt! Which they did. Now, let's get back to business!



Wade: SOMEONE PLEASE CHANGE ME! PLEASE GOD PLEAAAAAASE WAAAAAHHH
Oh god! Oh god nevermind, I don't want to come back to this! Just kidding!



He's not going to be a wailing shitbaby for very much longer though, so that's slightly reassuring.



Frey: Hmmm, I think he smells... OF HUNGER!
sigh



GO AWAY, FREY. You're forcing me to give childcare duties to Joseph, which is irresponsible AND depressing.



Awwwwwwww! 8D Wade is just kinda stealing my heart a little bit, and this is even pre-makeover! Unfortunately, that makeover is gonna have to wait a little bit because now I have to shoehorn in Fae and Orion's Anti-Bastard-Child Ceremony.



Nanny #1: Excuse me, who are you?
Nanny #2: Uh, who are YOU?
Now now, ladies! If the game inexplicably hires two nannies, you don't question these things! You were meant to clean up poop in tandem!

AND NOW, TO THE WEDDING IN PROGRESS





Orion: Umm, this beach is really dark.
Fae: Did I go blind?
LOOK. SHUT UP. It's not my fault it took an eternity for Orion to come back home from work and corral everyone to the damn beach. What IS my fault is the horrible editing I had to do to compensate for how dark it was...



They don't really care all that much. And I get my sappy beach wedding, so that's a win-win!



Is this really the whole wedding party?? I don't even know who the fuck these two guys are.
Blondie: NOT TO WORRY, I ALWAYS BRING A SUIT TO THE BEACH



Frey could go over at watch his son get married but, you know, hot dogs.



THE PACT IS COMPLETE. YOUR SOUL IS NOW FORFEIT TO THE ALMASSYS.



Huh, what? What was that sound? Sorry, kinda spaced out there. Oh well, here's a picture of Orion and Fae sucking face for your viewing pleasure.



Frey: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT WAS SO (BURP) BEAUTIFUL



Can't forget to cap off the ceremony with some public misconduct! Sigh. ):



I put the wedding together just in time, because Fae was ready to burst not too long after they got home!



First up, we have: Paloma! WHO HAS ALIEN EYES YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!! She's also got Fae's skin and hair, so not too different from Wade.



And here's her twin brother: Ronnie! Who... has the same exact coloring as Wade. Boring. I hope you're prepared for the REDHEAD DOMINATION this generation.



Nanny #2: Who does that trollop think she is, trying to take MY job? Just look at how well I can hold this baby!!!!
Calm down there, lady. Time to go back to living in your nanny van!



Madrine... why is the baby ringing?
Madrine: I put my cellphone in her diaper so we won't misplace her!



Glad to see that's working out for you!



There's a front room in the house that's always been perpetually unfinished, so I finally took the time to actually complete it. Now it's a cute kid's playroom! It also doubles as Wade's bedroom for the time being, which is probably foreshadowing for how completely biased I will be.



Of course, this translates to, "QUICK, ALL FOUR OF US NEED TO MANHANDLE RONNIE AND PUT HIM IN WADE'S BED IMMEDIATELY!!" Assholes.



I think Wade likes it though! Or maybe he's attempting to choke himself. Tough call.



Not a lot of things annoy me in this game anymore, but shit like this still drives me craaaazy. Why?! Why do you continue to do this to me after almost six years of playing?!



Frey: I. Am. So. BORED!!



Frey: OH GOD ORION I AM SO BORED I CAN'T TAKE IT
Orion's butt: *here for gratuitous nudity appearance*



Frey: AND I'M SOOOO HUNGRY ORION, IT HURTS JUST TO LIVE
FREY! For the love of god, please stop bothering Orion. He has shit to do!



Like lay in bed with Joseph. Completely platonically.



Joseph: I tried to get into bed with Madrine and she didn't really like that... can I stay here with you tonight?
NONONONONONONONONONONO



Wolf: I smell chiiiiiiiiildreeeeeeeeeeen!
The wolves still come around to unsuccessfully menace babies. Antony the pack leader is the best wolf by far because he actually figured out how to walk through doors.



Wade: All I want is food. F-O-O-D. Do you know what that is?



Madrine: What was that? I think I heard POTTY TIME!
Wade: CURSE YOU WOMAN, I KNOW YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MEEEEEEE



Madrine: Ohohohoho, aren't you silly! Now sit on the damn potty. Sit still, damnit!!!



Wade: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Faye: Heeeeeey, thanks for taking care of my kid! You know how busy I am with... things.



And by "things", she means "throwing up into every single toilet in the house constantly". Iiiiiiit's pregnancy time!



And it's a REALLY horrible first trimester. Not joking about the 'constantly' bit: poor Fae just threw up forever and ever, right up until she popped. :(



Here's where all the menz in the house have farted off to instead of helping me take care of pregnant Fae. PLEASE STOP ALL BEING USELESS.



Hey, a chance card! I have zero faith in Joseph to do anything productive or remarkable, so he's just going to stand there and look nice.



AND HOLY SHIT THEY PAID HIM TO DO NOTHING! I'M 50k RICHER!! THERE IS A GOD



THIS IS THE MOST MONEY THEY'VE EVER HAD, EVER!!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!



Don't worry, Orion also does his part.



Oh, the twins? They cry and smell bad. Whatever.



Here's to being potentially interesting as toddlers! Happy birthday, little ones!



I don't even get around to doing the makeovers before I'm interrupted by... shenanigans.



Damn, I've been playing this legacy for three years and only NOW does someone get the bright idea to steal bottles? Come on, guys.
Paloma: No! NO! Stop it!



Wade: I have the POWERRRRRRRRRR!



Paloma: WAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I see you're upset, but this is called "being entrepreneurial". Sorry!



Paloma: sniff sniff Mommy...!
Wade: MOMMY CAN'T HELP YOU NOW, DEAR SISTER.



Errr, anyways... Paloma is a fairly nice girl, but she's been a toddler all of five minutes and she's already looking disgruntled. I think it's a bad sign when you're strapping on your shitkickers and you're only two years old.



Paloma: AHEM, I DO NOT CARE FOR THESE SMELLY BOTTLES
Then stop sitting near them? Paloma is a dirty liar anyways. I know anything with green stinky fumes is like toddler crack.



Joseph: Teehee, my bladder tickles!
Joseph. I am going to put you in Depends. I swear to god.



Wade: Daddy, can't we just lock Joseph in the garage forever?
Orion: Well, we could, but-- wait, do you hear that? Sounds like 50,000 dollars in daddy's bank account!



Wade: D:
Ronnie: :|
Sorry, Wade. :( Also: Ronnie still exists! He's just really boring.



And potentially really naive! YOU IN TROUBLE, RONNIE



Ronnie and Paloma may be the ones being taught their toddler skills, but Wade is the only one that anyone ever wants to play with. See, there is a bias going on here!



Omg. He looks like a horrible N64-era Rareware character. Good thing that only makes me like him more!



Oh no, Wade could mysteriously die somehow!! Wade, the only person that we ever care about!!



BABY TIMES PART 3: THE RECKONING



And Fae is immediately swarmed by loving and supportive family members! Not. Well, wait, does Wade count?
Wade: Is she going to take long? I need to be fed and this bottle is just SO FAR AWAY.
No, Wade does not count.



Oh! Finally, a kid with black hair! Her name is April and-- uh, did you forget about your food on the stove?



Fae: What food? You mean my delicious Spaghetti alla Moldycheese?
WHERE DID YOU PUT THE BABY ALREADY



Baby barbecue, eat your heart out.



STOP WATCHING THIS TRAINWRECK OF A FAMILY AND PUT OUT THE DAMN FIRE!



Don't you just hate it when you're hungry, but your kitchen has burst into a fiery inferno? Look no further than your own front yard! Garbage - it's what's for dinner.



Disclaimer: garbage not guaranteed to be sanitary and may result in killing the shit out of you.



Since I had to clean up the aftermath of Stovegate, Wade was shafted his second birthday party of the update and just grew up on the floor. But somehow he aged up WELL?! Not complaining about that!



He's got the Classic Almassy Kid Face™ which I still really like, even after all this time.



~*~ ALMASSY FAMILY BONDING TIME ~*~
Joseph: Wade, did you know that your dad came from OUTER SPACE???



Wade: No. There is no way that I, while wearing UFO jammies, could have possibly guessed this. Idiot.



Siiiiiigh, I love Antony. ♥ Who's the cutest wolfie ever! Who's gonna take a chunk out of Frey! Yes you are!



Antony: *nibble*
No, go on, Antony. Don't be afraid to amputate a limb or two!



How to Handle Your First Werewolf Transformation Like a Pro (starring Frey)
Frey: OW! You asshole, what was that for?
Step 1: Be surprised when you stick your hand in a dog's mouth and get bitten.



Step 2: Contemplate your own mortality.
Frey: Oh my god. Do wolves have rabies? Do I have rabies now? I'm going to die.



Step 3: Totally defriend that asshole dog.
Frey: OH MAN THIS IS DEFINITELY RABIES I HATE YOU NOW



Step 4: You are now a menacing, bloodthirsty werewolf.
Frey: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE



Oh there, that's much better! Much more menacing! Of course, this is still Frey we're talking about, who sucks on every conceivable level.



Attacking Fae? That's very imaginative.



Wade: OH, THE HU DOGMANITY



That's all I've got for this update! Let me cap off with the current Almassy state of affairs: Paloma and Ronnie are pretty much all skilled up, which will do nothing helpful for them whatsoever. You two better have a good birthday after this.
Paloma: Ehhh, no promises.



Poor April just kinda lays in poop all day, but she gets fed so SUCCESS!



Aaaaaaand Madrine just keeps losing a thousand brain cells here and there. I still love her though. <3

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Just as a heads-up: I've had anon commenting turned off for awhile to stop the flood of annoying porn spam and I'm not sure when I'll put it back on. Did Livejournal just give up on their anti-spam measures or something? In any case, it's being a good kick in the butt for me to figure out my simming tumblr situation. But thanks to everyone who still comes back onto to old fart LJ to read legacies! And of course, thanks for sticking around to see this one. See you next time!