02 July 2014 @ 11:32 pm
Almassy Legacy [9.4]: The Times They Are a-Changin'  


Okay, so maybe nice Almassy children wouldn't necessarily usher in the apocalypse, buuuuuuut...

In the last update: Joseph and Madrine fixed their broken marriage, Fae dumped her job for the good ol' 'barefoot and pregnant' approach, and none of the kids attempted to kill each other. WHAT! WHAT DO I EVEN PLAY THIS GAME FOR THEN.



Orion and his matching new babby Drew look pretty darn good together. Then again, I'm always a sucker for hot dads with babies.



EXCUSE ME. I am TRYING to capture a heartwarming moment between father and son.



And as Orion goes out to piss away all the household's money in bills, look who stops by!
Celeste: HI, BITCH.



Unsurprising.



What a bad day for Orion. Celeste's here, he has to pay nearly 20,000 dollars in taxes, and he probably has frostbite on his nutsack now. ):



Fae: DON'T YOU WORRY HONEY, I KNOW HOW TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.
Celeste: my face!



Let's pretend that was somehow a great segue into Frey's birthday party! Since it's the only one we have...



TOOT TOOT TOOT
Frey: ...where did orion's pants go



LOLOLOL HE LOOKS JUST AS STUPID AS I WISHED FOR



I guess I must be freaking spoiling Frey at this point because he won't have to continue looking like some fuddy old coot.



April: HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO??? What about ME?



Oh my god, FINE. FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE



April has a fantastic birthday, thanks to my secret weapon: copious amounts of drugs!



Making up for your birthday cake, are we?
April: YOO BET YUR SWEE' ASSHH.



Sorry April, normal children don't verbally harass Barbie all day long. You need like, REAL friends.



April: Area 51, man! I know that's where they keep all the butt probes!
I don't know if this is a side effect of having alien heritage or just pure luck, but ALL the kids are immensely interested in paranormal stuff! Aliens come up in like every single conversation.



I don't know what Yellow Shirt Lady said to her but all April could do at her was throw her hands out like "what, bitch?? what, bitch??" over and over.



Yellow Shirt Lady: NO. STOP TALKING TO ME. I HATE VACATIONS.
Oh, I see, a HATER! Sorry, you've come to the wrong update.



Look, it's Pluto!
Frey: I haven't talked to you for twenty years but I DID potty train you. That must count for something!



Awww, it's almost like a little alien quad reunion! All we need is Pavo!



Fae: BAAAAAAAAAWWWWW CELESTE IS SO MEAN!
Pluto: So how 'bout those ghosts, guys??



In grand tradition, Celeste continues to suck horribly and Fae mops the floor with her for hours. Probably beats getting your ass kicked by FREY of all people.



But all this fighting makes April sad. ): Don't worry, sweetie! Just wait for all the ass YOU can beat when you grow up!



Pluto: I'm not gonna talk about ghosts with you while you're like that.



Pluto: Yeahhhh... you can stop looking at me now. And making obscene hand gestures.



Fae: Well, this is going nowhere.
I'm just going to assume you somehow confused your alien brother-in-law for your alien husband. SPACIST.



Celeste: So your wife hitting me is cool, but what about her hitting ON our brother?



Orion: *dgafs*
If only Orion hadn't cheated on her first. The Power Couple doesn't care about extramarital affairs!



Yet another new and not-boring chance card!



...So... they're mad that I DIDN'T pick the Gossip Girl option? DAMNIT, TS2.



Madrine: Okay, NOW I don't have a job anymore. ):<
She already got perma-plat from her job so I'm not too bothered. YOUR LOSS, ALLAMAINEVERYHOME.COM.



Because April and Paloma are Amazing Children™, they have to prove it by showing off at every available opportunity. They might as well start a damn circus at this point because half of their day is filled with Ringling Brothers-level acrobatic feats.



Wade and Ronnie: tee hee! whisper whisper ehehehehe!
April: STOP LEAVING ME OUT OF ALL THE JUICY STUFF!



Ronnie: So did you know that grandpa is all hairy? Like a wolf?? Crazy!
April is not amused by your shit gossip.



Quickie birthday for Drew!



LOOK AT HIS TEENY LITTLE EYES! Oh my god, he is so cute. Personality-wise, Drew's pretty similar to Orion (sweet and VERY shy) but Frey's neurotic cleanliness has trickled down to him.



Ronnie: *LURK LURK LURK*
DANG IT, RONNIE. I HATE THAT COW.



Wade: Oh, what have we here?



Wade: HA. TASTE THE IRON FIST OF MY JUDGMENT, BOVINE.



You better not let Ronnie catch you! Actually, please do. The lack of fighting is scaring me...



April: Fighting? You mean like... this? *punchie punchie*
No, I mean like six inches higher.



Cleaving Ronnie's head in two is a good start, but are pillow fights really the best you can come up with?



Paloma: WOW, FIGHTING IS SO MUCH FUN!!
close enough ¯\_(ツ)_/¯



Joseph and Madrine rediscovered how great making out is so now they do it 24/7. BARF.



At least some things never change. :)



IT'S HAAAAAAARLEEEEEEEEY! Oh and some other random schoolkids, who cares.



It's the alien eyes that gets me every time. How adorable do these two look together?!



Having some kids come over from school was pretty good timing, considering it's Wade's birthday today! Look how pleased he is. So, how'd he turn out?



LOOKIN' GOOD, DORK. He rolled Family and Romance, neither of which feel very Wade-ish to me but it's what he's working with now.



You are not suave, sorry.



Madrine: SO THIS ONE TIME ON VACATION, THIS BEAR--
blah blah blabblahbla. There weren't even any real bears in the mountains.



Wade: O_O
Are you okay....?
Wade: O-On the bus.......



COCONUT TITTIES! I SPY COCONUT TITTIES!



Coconuts: Cowabunga, dudes!!!!



Fae: Don't talk to me.
Somebody needs to work on their intercultural communication.



Wade: Wow! You are so great and pretty and I'm definitely not looking at your boobs!
Coconuts: Heehee, thanks!



Wade: NOW GEDDAFUCKOUT.



Well, Coconuts has to scram early becauuuuse... the family's going on VACATION!! THE THING YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL UPDATE!



Fae and Joseph are banned from the trip (too much fighting) and Orion is at work, so it's just gonna be the old folks taking the kids out.



And as I'm sure you've figured out from Coconuts, they're going to scenic Twikkii Island. Our hotel encourages squatting, which bodes well!



See ya later, snow. We're off to the great land of hot sun and hairy coconut bras!



What the hell is Fae laughing about? Getting banned from the family vacation must be totally hilarious.



Is this place Not-Hawaii or Not-Polynesia? I'm kinda leaning towards the former. In any case, it's SO great to not have to see the freaking mountain cabins again!



The family could've splurged for a nicer place but the hideously tacky decor of this hotel just spoke to me.





WOW, COOL! But I have the attention span of an ant and I immediately forget about this five seconds later. Spoilers: no cool ghosts on this vacation. ):



NO THEY ARE SPAMMING VACATION GREETINGS ALREADY. PLZ STOP



Okay, the kids WANTED to hula dance. Look at them just shuffling around, uncomfortable as shit, laughing all nervously like "EHEHEHE...HEHEHE...." as if they're having fun against their will or something. YOU GUYS THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA!



Paloma: THIS HULA DANCE IS FILLING ME WITH REGRET.



Yeah, well, you guys just keep dancing. I'll be looking... over here...



Paloma: Oh! All this dance was missing was some booty-shakin'!



lmao ok.



So the first day is... nothing special. All they wanted to do was sit around and watch TV.



THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE FROM THE BED! Whatever. Every vacation needs one day to do jack shit.



Madrine: --and axes were just flying around! My mom was throwing those things for five hours straight!
YES, WE REMEMBER THAT. YOU ARE ON A NEW VACATION NOW.



Can YOU spot the only available lady in this sausage fest?



Hanako: Oh, honey. If I went out with you, I'd have to go to jail!



THIS WILL PROBABLY NOT DETER HIM, JUST FYI



Uhhh, I'd have to pass. This is some criminal boob abuse.



You know people can see you freakdancing in the doorway, right? Right...?

-------------------------------------------

Speaking of vacations, I'm actually leaving on one of my own in about... an hour and a half! I'm off to Germany! 8D I'll have to see if I get the chance to hop onto LJ, but no promises - otherwise, I'm gonna be back in two weeks. Next time: part two of the Almassy tropical vacation! Seeeeeeeee you then!