STRAP ON IN Y'ALL, IT'S TIME FOR MR. BONES' WILD RIDE

Last time: all the kids finally hit teenhood and became ridiculously good-looking! Frey turned Paloma into a werewolf through the hilariously irresponsible means of savaging. Joseph died with no fanfare, except for the sweet, sweet inheritance money he left behind. Finally, there was THE HEIR POLL! Which I'll get to in a moment.



As it's the last generation attending university, I can't help but subject one final round of kids to the horrors of DEATH DORM. We haven't been here since generation 5 with Poppy and Violet! Gee, the place looks a lot less foreboding when it's not ringed by like sixty gravestones...



The biggest change THIS time around is that there's three heirs to contend with! I love all three so I'm actually very happy I decided to do the triple heirship oh god I WILL PROBABLY REGRET SAYING THIS! April here won the heir poll but she doesn't get anything special for nabbing first place. Maybe I should've gotten her a tiara or a little party hat or something.



Also joining April is third-place winner Paloma...
Paloma: That's right, bask in my heirship glow. BASK IN IT.



...and second-place winner Drew, who already feels compelled to clean up some stagnant-ass pee puddle that's been hanging out on the floor for decades.



Gee, he looks so thrilled about his brand new position as heir. Don't break your face with that smile there, Drew.



Wade: FOURTH PLACE! I'M FOURTH PLACE! CAN'T TOUCH THIS! WOO!
I'm sad that Wade won't get to come back to the house, but at least becoming a spare is better than the stupid prize he could've gotten!



Because that unlucky fate goes to... RONNIE! Completely unsurprisingly!
Ronnie: Oh come on! I thought I put in a pretty good effort for heirship.
Wade: unf! oh yeah! too bad! got mine!



Uh yeah, laugh it up there, Ronnie. Wade won't be the only object of mockery around these parts!



There we go! Any good ~BOOBY PRIZE~ has to involve putting someone into a stupid costume! I originally wanted him to be in a fun social bunny suit but is it just me, or is it damn impossible to find an actual download of this thing?? Oh well, because of that the pink gorilla costume manages to be even MORE infuriating to look at.



But that's not all! Ronnie also wins a special new FANCY FUN RUMPUS ROOM!
Ronnie: .....what.



Seeing as how his dorm bed has conveniently gone missing, Ronnie's options to raise his energy bar involve either passing out on the floor or taking a chance on the horrifying-looking energizer. Seriously, just look at this thing. This shit is powered by bleach, leaky car batteries and a potato.



Ronnie: Hey, I get to pick the major I wanted so HA! One point for me!
See, I'm not THAT mean! Ronnie's gonna need those aspiration points! ...Okay, so it was the drama major he wanted. How could I not give it to him?



Alcoholism already, boys?
Drew: Yep.
Wade: Waaaaaaay ahead of you!



Drew found the Pineapple Keg of Booze and Death. Drew then proceeded to polish off said Pineapple Keg of Booze and Death ALL BY HIMSELF. DO THE WORDS 'ALCOHOL POISONING' MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?



April: Soooooooooo...... are you ever going to talk to me?
Apparently not, since they were both happy to silently eat their dinner together. Their relationship is basically at zero and they never interact, it's weird! D:<



Paloma: WHOOPS 'SCUSE ME BRO. *whack*
Drew: OW!
But Paloma has ways of forcing human interaction!



Cafeteria Cook: Oooooooh! That brooding stare... those long, luscious locks... what a dreamboat!!
Uh, are you thinking of the right guy? Because he's no Fabio.



Cafeteria Cook: I'm being overwhelmed by the buring hot flames of DESIRE! TAKE ME NOW, YOU HUNK!



April: DAMN LADY, HOW IS IT YOU SUCK SO BAD?
I DON'T KNOW. Even when she cooks non-burnt food, it barely fills up the hunger bar.





Everyone: ZOMG FIRE!!!!
Drew: *calmly watches lunch lady nearly burn to death*
I hope everyone who voted for Drew in the poll is as entertained as I am right now.



Ronnie: AHEM, I AM JUST TOO SLEEPY TO COMBAT STARVATION
Can Ronnie manage to eat his dinner before falling into a narcoleptic coma? Catch the SUSPENSE, DRAMA, and ACTION on an all-new episode of... THE ALMASSY LEGACY!



Attempt #1: FAIL.



Gorilla: NOMNOMOMONOM
Ooooh, so close there. Unfortunately inhaling food through your sinuses and/or gorilla head doesn't count. ):



Success!!!1!



Koko: Somebody's cheering woke me up from my dirt nap and I. DON'T. LIKE IT.
GASP IT'S KOKO!!!! HEY, GIRL!



Cheerleader: We'll beat you here, we'll beat you there-! I'm not wearing underwear-! YAAAAAAAAAAY.... TEAM!
Koko: Uh huh. That's nice.



Koko: NOW TIME TO CHEER IN HELL!



Koko: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh crazy, murderous Koko, I missed you. :)



Hey, where did your cute hair go? :(
Koko: How should I know? I've only been dead for TWO HUNDRED YEARS NOW GRRRRRRRRR



Koko: BOO, YOU WHORE
Koko wastes no time in attacking whoever decided to stick around after dark and get inebriated. D.A.R.E. should make her their fucking mascot.



Redhead: BLARF
Dormie: WAAAAAAAH! If only she could have experienced the carnal pleasure of my manmeat before she died!



Grim Reaper: ALREADY? Guess I can't complain, I need the airtime.
Don't forget those great frequent flyer miles you must be racking up!



Koko: GOD YOUR COSTUME IS SO ANNOYING TO LOOK AT! JUST DIE!
Ronnie: YAAAAAAAAARGH!
Yes, stupid Ronnie kept wandering downstairs so it was only a matter of time before Koko nabbed him. But amazingly he didn't die! Let's see how long that streak lasts, hmm? (hint: NOT LONG)



Koko: WHERE DA FUCK IS MY TOILET???
I SOLD IT LIKE SIX GENERATIONS AGO. GET OVER IT ALREADY.



Okay, if there's one thing you DON'T want to have in the death dorm, it's lycanthropy. As soon as Paloma hulks out into werewolf-mode, she no longer wants to sleep (so there goes my first-line ghost defense) and she wants to hang out downstairs so she can stuff her face and drink all night.



Paloma: See how I smashed this cup? That's what I'm gonna do to that ghost!



Threatening to fight ghosts AND rampant keg guzzling? BAD! BAD DOG!



Somehow she manages not to get scared to death, so she gets to live another day. Why not celebrate by breaking into someone's dorm room?
Dormie: GOOD MORNING BITCH. PLEASE LEAVE MY ROOM



Paloma: Don't you want to hang out? I know, we can talk about CHESSSSSSSSSSS!!
Excuse me, are you dissing my heir? I think you're in for a chessmaster whoopass, lady.



I've had these big boobie nightgowns in my game for awhile but still haven't used them, so I finally decided to just slap one onto Paloma. The local student body gives her fashion sense two thumbs up!!



Shane: WE'RE COMPLETE STRANGERS AND YET I AM SUDDENLY COMPELLED TO HUG YOU



Gee, I wonder why?



Paloma: Look, you're kinda dweeby, so you better be packing a huge rocket in there. I'm talking like ARM-LENGTH.



Paloma: Then maybe... *whisper* you can even put it up there.
Shane: :O
I apologize for having the audacity to make the rocket buttsex joke. I have shamed my entire family.



Drew has ascended to Alcoholism Nirvana. No longer content with being confined to the physical realm of red Solo cups, he can now drink punch from his hand and rematerialize more booze at will. Somebody's going to have a nasty case of beer bladder.



Drew: Don't worry, already figured out how to solve that problem.
NO. YOU CANNOT TURN YOUR BODY INTO A CONSTANT PUNCH-PROCESSING FACTORY.



Isn't it lonely having no friends--- no friends at aaaaaaaall---



For whatever reason, social reject Drew is the child that Orion wants to constantly call on the phone.



Drew: Oh yes dad, college is JUST GREAT. Makes me want to eat a bullet! :D





In "old as dirt gossip" news, the old tale of Candace handing Fae's ass to her in college is still getting passed around on the university circuit.



Fae: YOU MEAN MOM CAN'T FIGHT WORTH A DAMN? GASP!



Also: more creeper dormies! OH BOY OH BOY! BREASTS ARE BESTS!!



Who WOULDN'T turn to the bubble bong living in this heap.



You can't even pour your own shitty punch cup anymore?? Time to get cut off!



Dormie: Don't worry, I already figured out you're a dopey virgin. On an unrelated note, please stand at least five feet away from me at all times



Meet Druggie. Druggie is my new favorite dormie because she looks like she hasn't slept in a week and she probably burned off her eyebrows in a meth lab explosion. Wade is obsessed with her for reasons unknown.
Wade: WHAT THE FUCK, YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT PINBALL



Wade: YOU LIKE SUMMER??! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU
Arguing with women non-stop: sure to win the heart of any gal! This relationship advice brought to you free by Wade!



Did you see Ronnie in the back there? Here is his current state of affairs:
Ronnie: HALP! I'M TOO TIRED TO RIDE THIS BIKE!



Ronnie: *passes out* NO IT'S TOO LOUD TO FALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW



Ronnie: Guess I'll just go back on the bike. BUT WAIT, I'M REALLY TIRED
Repeat ad nauseum. SIGH.



Time to try this puppy out!



Ronnie: Ooooh, tingly! Hey, this isn't so bad. :D



Ronnie: NO WAIT YES IT IS. BAD TOUCH, BAD TOOOOUUUUUUCH



I never use the energizer so I forgot that you can pull them out early, which really helps if they're getting zapped to death (like poor Ronnie was). Okay, so his motive failure is even WORSE now, but at least he survived! Right?... Eh... heh...



Ronnie: OH WHY DID PALOMA BECOME HEIR INSTEAD OF ME
Is this even a question worth answering? Moving on.



Wade: You're so beautiful! Who says you need eyebrows to be sexy?
Druggie: FUCK OFF



Wade: Wanna play hackysack with me?
Druggie: NO.



Wade: How about football?
Druggie: NO.



Wade: HOW DARE YOU REJECT MY SEXUAL ADVANCES!!!



Oh? With Drew? Well that's random, but okay.



Drew: WOW, YOU CAN GET HIGH JUST FROM LICKING HER SLURP KISS KISS
Like a toad?



Wade moves on to greener, also eyebrow-less pastures. At least this lady likes what she sees!



OH COME ON. I LOOKED AWAY FOR LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS.



Koko: TOIIIIILEEEEEETSSSSSSSSS
Will Wade successfully save her from the evil clutches of Koko and Grimmy?



HA! Of course not.



Wade: Oh well. Back to the punch! GARGLEARGLEARGLEARGLE
Paloma: Hello? Don't leave your corpses on the floor, it's dangerous. I could've tripped!



At least Drew manages to actually HAVE a romantic prospect.



Ronnie is too tired to eat and too hungry to sleep, so at the moment he's basically non-functioning. A second gamble on the energizer didn't go so well. ):



Then after he stepped out, he was scared to death by... absolutely nothing??



Koko: Wasn't me!
HMMMMMMM. Well... she was downstairs, but I also know that she has completely unfair ninja scaring powers.



He died as he lived - sprawled out in a smelly gorilla suit. RIP



Okay okay, he won't get murdered that easily. 'Cause cutie-butt April is ON THE CASE!



April: Pweeeeease bring him back? Don't make me kick your bony ass.



Paloma: LOL MATH MAJORS, I TELL YA
Thank god April made it here in time, because Paloma decided to be an extremely useless bystander.



April: OH YEAH! I AM THE MASTER! WOOHOOOOOOOO!
YUSSSS. Almassys: 1, Grim: 0 in this gen!



April: Wait, what did I do? I've just toyed with the laws of nature!
Don't worry, you get used to it.



So Ronnie returns to the land of the living, for better or for worse!
Poster Lady: *does, in fact, not give a shit*



Of course I can't ever catch a break, because Paloma gets killed off later that night since she just HAD to have a snack before going to bed.



Hey Ronnie, mind helping out your... sister...? OH GODDAMNIT, KOKO. STOP NINJA-KILLING EVERYBODY.



Wade is the best candidate to help here buuuuuut as you can see, he's currently occupied with laying unconscious in a pool of his own bodily waste. Koko is a smart broad. And April is asleep, so she won't be able to reach Paloma in time...



So that leaves us with only one choice, the very responsible and compassionate Drew!!
Drew: UGH, HER STINKY CORPSE IS GROSSING ME OUT.



Drew: Please, please save her! Or not, I don't really care. Whatever.



Drew: SON OF A BITCH
DREEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!



I'm just letting Grim take Ronnie. It's not worth saving spares when heirs get ghost-murdered while attempting to plead for them. :(



Having your siblings die off horribly? Meh. Making your bed? WOW THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER YAY!!!!



Drew: I am SO PISSED at Paloma!!
OH REALLY DREW????? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? Now I know it would've taken a miracle for Drew to have successfully rescued Paloma. Seriously, I have no idea what she apparently did. Don't tell me he's THAT much of a baby about getting elbowed in the face.



Hi again, Orion! Might not be a good time to tell him that two of his kids already bit it after a semester at college.



Man, even Wade has nightmares about Wade.



Wade: Heh, you see this hot backrub in action over here? This could be for YOU!
Um, gross. Go away.



I need my heir for more important things, like SIBLING RESCUE!



Welcome back, girly! Only Paloma returned though, because I just could NOT handle the thought of having to wrangle Ronnie after dealing with all that crap. He'll be back next update!



April: I've thwarted death again! I HAVE BECOME LIKE A GOD!



Oops, looks like Drew and Druggie are at it again. It's a match made in substance abuse heaven!



Wade: MAN, SHE'S SOOOOOOOOOOOO HOT
Yeah, I don't think it's going to happen for you. Dream on.



Wade: That's right, baby. I'm talkin' about you. ♥
Can't a girl fucking pass out on the floor in peace around here? Geez. Anyways, that's enough death and destruction for one update; this is only the first year of college. O_O Next time: hopefully some successful spouse-hunting for the heirs! Until then... see you next update! And thanks for reading!
 
 
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