19 April 2012 @ 09:19 pm
Almassy Legacy [4.5]: Holy Matrimony  


Hey, everybody! It's that special time where I get off of my ass and make an update! Last time: the Almassy family made their comeback, ignoring new cats Vivi and Wilford in favor of causing that sweet, sweet drama. Georgia attempted to rectify her great relationship with Calhoun by sleeping with Alistair, leaving her kids Israel, Candace, and Ryan to wonder exactly who their new daddy would be. While the twins slowly came to the realization that their family is nuts, Israel settled right in as a delusional teenager.



Miraculously, the twins have managed to remain ostensibly "normal", despite being subjected to mayhem on a daily basis (like Joel and Alistair throwing down in the background, who both refuse to go the hell away).



Thankfully, they finally decide to call a truce with each other!
Candace: Sorry for beating you up and wishing that you were dead...



Ryan: I'm sorry too... for, um, getting beat up by you. :(



Candace: HAHA PSYCHE
I should've figured.



Oh, I see who Paul's decided to side with in the great Calhoun vs. Alistair battle. You only like him 'cause you went to school together, brown-noser.



So by now, I'm sure that a giant cow hanging out in the household is no big whoop. However, Joel is not even supposed to be here. I finally started following my own advice and stopped inviting Joel due to all the parties he'd ruin with his presence. Of course, once I don't want him around anymore, he takes that as a sign that he should show up every single day. No joke. It doesn't help that Parvati keeps getting cozy with him.



Paul: Well, I see nothing wrong with this!
If you say so, man.



P.S. Paul is a dirty liar.
Parvati: I didn't even DO ANYTHING! Is getting a backrub such a CRIME?!



What's the tally on successful marriages again? Zero for three?



Joel, maybe you'd smell better in your suit if you bathed. With ACTUAL WATER.



Paul: WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Candace: Okay, push me, Paul! Push me! Push me!!!
Thanks for nothing, Joel. Consider your cool dad privileges REVOKED! You've reduced Paul to a simpering wreck! I hope you're proud of yourself.



Candace: Don't start your red hand crap with me when you can't even PUSH ME ON THE SWINGS, PAUL!!



Parvati: Nooooo! Boo hoo hoo hooooo!
Even exercise equipment can't make her feel better. Poor thing. :(



The twins' birthdays are finally here, which is a welcome distraction from all the shit Joel has stirred up. Note that he's still fucking there, despite not being invited.



Ahem excuse me PERSONAL SPACE, JOEL.



Anyway, Candace has grown up really nicely, don't you think? Yowza! Still got the funky nose-lip thing going on but besides that, she's got lots of George's best parts on her. She rolled Fortune and Romance for her aspirations.



Meanwhile, Ryan got a lot more of Calhoun's features. He just looks more... chinny! His aspirations are Family for his primary and Pleasure for his secondary. He's really quite the opposite of Candace. If there's one thing they share in common, it's that they like boys. That xylophone business really WAS prophetic.



oh my goodness you two are BEYOOTIFUL ♥



Israel is more than happy to welcome his siblings into teenhood!



I invited Weirdo over! I wish I could call her that forever, buuuuut it's time for her real name (which is Shima).



Candace: Keep this on the down-low, but I think that weird girl over there is actually sexually attracted to Israel.



Ryan: WHAT?? NO.
Oh yes she is! And I'm gonna be his wingman!



Except for the fact that Israel sucks and refuses to cooperate with me. I told him to go flirt with Shima and he gave me the bitchy "but WHY" face. SURPRISE YOU'RE A ROMANCE SIM, TIME TO ACT LIKE ONE



Israel: Hey there, you... uh... you...
Shima: tee hee is gonna flirt with me?!
Israel: ...you got a little something on your face there.
Shima: Oh? I do? Thanks.
sigh You're hopeless. I quit.



I'd like to take this time to reiterate how fucking dumb Vivi is. Every few hours she goes around and complains about how half-starved she is...



...while she conveniently ignores the TWO FULL FOOD BOWLS LIKE TEN FEET AWAY FROM HER! I even bought her the really nice fancy-pants bowl thinking that she was just being picky, but my money can't cure stupid.





Turns out that Parvati's been undermining my efforts and feeding Vivi "table scraps", which look suspiciously like a moldy potato lobbed directly at Claus and Calhoun. Hmmm. Sneaky, sneaky!



Shima: oh my goooossssh he's so cute i can't even focus on dinner!! ♥
Are you that desperate? Please reexamine your life choices.



Israel and Calhoun were extremely unhappy during dinner because, as I soon found out, Shima has stealth B.O. Ofc Israel's one true love is the stinky girl at school. :I



Calhoun's into George again? Boy, that sure was fast.



Israel: Hey wait a minute, that's the WRONG DADDY GRRRRRRR!!
(Un)surprisingly, Israel has an issue with this new development.



Israel: I don't like this at all! You should be with MY dad instead!



Georgia: EXCUSE ME, THAT IS MY FIRESLAVE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! And I've got a fire in my pants that only he can put out!
Israel: noooooo why would you ever say that to me



So Georgia and Calhoun are back together. She seems pretty cheery about this!



Georgia: Calhoun, I'm a changed person! I'm not the same Georgia who cheated on you, or drank murder milk, or left flaming bags of dog poop on Stefano's doorstep... two hours ago. I'll never do weird things ever again!
Calhoun: Don't worry. I believe you, Georgia.



Oh, really now? 'Cause Georgia just screams "tight grip on reality".



Israel's Almassy Fighting Spirit makes a glorious comeback in the form of bitchslapping his own mother. Hey, remember the time you fought a little girl 'cause she stole your mom's food? Whatever happened to that family loyalty?



Georgia: BAWWWWWWWWWW
Aww, don't cry... just do what I do and blame all your problems on Alistair!



God, I hate the flu!! Paul came home with it and gave it to EVERYBODY. As soon as somebody gets better, they immediately get reinfected. It's like Outbreak, except they're ALL monkeys.



Eventually I had to lock everyone up in sick boxes to wait it out. Good thing this isn't an ISBI, 'cause I'd never be able to get rid of that shit otherwise.



Candace: Daddy! I was locked in a giant box for hours! It was sooooo cold!
Calhoun: Oh, uh... you were? I didn't even notice...



Hahahaha!
Candace: THAT'S BULLSHIT, DAD



Don't worry Candace, at least Lucifer the Evil Snowman understands your teenage pain.



...Who she immediately destroys.



R.I.P. LUCIFER ):



A little cold out there, Candace?
Candace: Shut up.



I found Israel standing around in the snow too, constantly having a "OMG IT'S SNOWING??? :O" reaction. Short-term memory loss: the gift that keeps on giving!



Israel: I'm cool.
You sure are.



Joel's new favorite target is Georgia and he shows up just so he can beat the crap out of her. Joel is an uncrushable fighting machine thanks to the Fight Club mod I have in my game, which makes things even worse. I think only Claus or Parvati could beat him up at this point.



Okay, maybe only Claus now. Guess Joel must've slipped her some of that moo juice of his.



Unlike Georgia and Calhoun, Paul and Parvati's relationship has just fizzled out. Usually ACR would help out here, but they seem completely disinterested in being with each other. Paul's mojo has finally lost its touch!



Paul: WHATEVER, I'M A LADIES MAN. I STILL GET TONS OF PUSSY
Wilford: meow?



Penguin: Lucifer! Who could have stolen your life away?? Whoooooo?!
EVERYTHING NEEDS TO STOP BEING SAD AROUND HERE THIS INSTANT.



Calhoun: I CAN'T HELP IT, THE POOR LITTLE SNOWMAN!!! BOO HOOOOO
You're not helping, you big goober.



Georgia: Don't be sad! I've got a little something that'll cheer you right up!
Is it ice cream?!
Oh boy I hope it's ice cream



Georgia: TA-DAH! Let's get married! ♥
HMMMM I'D RETHINK THAT, QUEEN DINGBAT



Hope you're getting a pre-nup, Calhoun!



Their engagement lasts a whole second before I decide to just get them married already. No party, 'cause I will flip out if Joel shows up again.



After packing the whole family in the car like a freaking clown car...



...we end up at the chapel! Pretty sure this is an [profile] alexxschmidt lot, like every other lot I use.



I've never had an off-lot wedding before! I have to admit, it is so fucking cute that they're getting married in a snowy little chapel. Throw in some white ponies and you have the perfect little girl Barbie dream wedding!



HEY, NERDLINGS! DOWN IN FRONT!
Israel: I still think she picked the wrong dad.
WHO CARES, JUST SIT DOWN



Georgia: Hey, remember when Alistair and I had sex? That was such a long time ago!
Calhoun: look let's just get on with the ceremony okay



Not clapping, Paul? Don't be a jaded old fart.



Oh my gosh, they look great and this whole thing is SO SWEET! I can't believe I'm this charmed by a pretend computer game wedding.



It was at this point that Claus showed up and I realized that he missed HIS OWN DAUGHTER'S WEDDING!!! I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, though. I once had one guy miss his daughter's wedding because he was too busy huffing on her bong bubble blower in the front yard.



Parvati: How could you miss her wedding, you dickhead?!
Claus: I'm sorry! I found the drink bar! It was happy hour!!



Thankfully, Georgia didn't notice! She's completely into her role as the blushing bride.



~ AWW YEAH, GET DOWN AT THE CHAPEL, GET FREAKAY ~



One of the random dancing guys is this chump, Teddy.
Teddy: hey can i dance with you please unf unf unf



Candace: Oh my god.
Teddy: *sadly shuffles around like a narcoleptic zombie*
Candace: *SCREAMING INTERNALLY*



Candace is more than happy to suffocate him in a chokehold so he can never dance with her again.



Israel: You call THAT a moustache?! HAH! You better watch yourself bro, 'cause I'm gonna be your FACIAL HAIR SENSEI ONE DAY



Ryan: DAYUM, this guy is HOT HOT HOT!



This is the object of Ryan's desires. What a hunk.



I think this guy is way hotter and better for Ryan than Mr. Pink Suit over there, but he's already occupied with a certain someone. Darn!



Operation "Pick Up Dudes At My Parents' Wedding" COMMENCE!



Luckily, Ned here (lol) seems pretty receptive to gettin' down with the son of the bride and groom's wedding that he just crashed.



Ned: NONONO wait, hold on, I don't think you can handle this hotness yet



Ryan: r-really? :(
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.



Ned: Hey, I said "yet"! You're a cute guy, we should go out someday!
Ryan: NOPE.



Overall, the wedding was a huge success! George and Calhoun had a great first dance, which they capped off by screwing in the photobooth next door.



Hey, Alistair! I was looking forward to never hearing from you ever again.



Calhoun: That's MR. GEORGIA ALMASSY A.K.A. CALHOUN GORDON TO YOU



JOEL, GO HOME!!!!



Georgia finally threw in the towel to motherhood and now hates Israel with a fiery passion. As you can imagine, this absorbs all of their free time.



Georgia: HERE'S YOUR FUCKING POPTART, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE



Will you two just kiss and make up already?! You both still have heart boners for each other so do something about it!



Paul: BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK
Sorry, your turkey mating dance won't help you out here.



You'd think that'd be important to know, considering his former job and all...



It's Shima again! You know, she ain't half bad. She should get out while she still can.



YOU DID IT. AN ACTUAL FRIEND.



Israel: You still got something on your face...
Shima: I do?
Israel: ...it's a little piece of SEXY
I'm sorry, Iz. You will never have game. Ever.



WHAT





Israel: STUPID SWINGS, ALWAYS COCKBLOCKING ME



Israel: Wanna stay for dinner? My stupid jerk mom's making poptarts for dinner again 'cause she can't cook!
Georgia: OH REEEEEEALLY



Looks like somebody forgot the first rule of life: don't piss off Queen Georgeous.



You are heartless.
Georgia: Muahahahahaha!



Israel: SHRIEK IT'S SCALDING MY TENDER MAN PARTS



Shima is a wonderful houseguest, politely sitting around while Georgia and Israel beat each other up.



Shima: Uh-huh! Israel is so handsome and sexy and I bet he's gonna kiss me forever and ever! He's so manly!
Israel: W-WHY'S MY MOMMY SO MEAN TO ME WAHHHHHHHH
Candace: i kinda doubt that



OH HOLY SHIT IT'S YUZUKI. Been wondering where you've been! This solves the mystery of her death - green means that she died from the cold that she caught. Colds can't kill sims, which means that she contracted pneumonia and died all within six hours or so. Further proof that Yuzuki just sucks.



This girl is seriously creepy. Her face is frozen in a permanent scream and I SWEAR I heard her laughing maniacally.



If that's not enough, she re-enacts her own death. Over and over again. This is some horror movie shit here! I feel a little bad for her now. :(



I wouldn't sit out there if I were you... D:



The next day, Israel decides to try some of his ~smooth moves~ on Shima.





ALL YOU DID WAS HUG HER!! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN KISSED YET.





Even more shocking: I saw Parvati and Claus interacting... without fighting. Confused, I looked at the queue and realized that CLAUS IS ACTUALLY APOLOGIZING



And Parvati is ACCEPTING IT!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE



No one's... fighting? Everyone... loves each other?
WHAT ARE THESE STRANGE CONCEPTS



Hey, thanks for ruining the love fest by freaking dying out of nowhere, Paul. You totally had at least one more day left. Asshat.



Parvati: NOOOOOOOO!!
:(



Candace: WAHHHHHHH! My face is all zitty!! Oh and Paul's dead, whatever.



We're up to four gravestones now. Paul's off to find some tasty ladies in the great beyond!



Paul dying is bad bad bad, because that means that it's only a matter of time before Claus and Parvati join him. Why not delay the inevitable and get the kids the hell out of here? Off to college we go!
Israel: GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE BEFORE I SHOOT MYSELF



Next time: the beginnings of gen 4 university! But first, we've got to choose an heir! I figured having them age up to young adults first is better in order to see their grown-up features. Scroll down for the heir poll!

-------------------------------------------

Alright, here it is... the GENERATION 4 HEIR POLL!!!! Did you know that it's been almost a year since the last heir poll? I blame everything but myself.

Anyways, make your vote for who YOU'D like to see continue on as the heir of this terrible family! I genuinely like all three kids, so I need your help deciding! LJ polls are still broken as fuck for me so here's one from pollcode. Hopefully it works! If there are any problems, please let me know in the comments.

YOUR CANDIDATES ARE...



ISRAEL ALMASSY
THE MOUSTACHIOED MELVIN
Romance/Fortune
5|9|7|3|2
+: glasses, charismatic
-: grey hair



RYAN ALMASSY
BIG GAY RYAN'S BIG GAY HEIRSHIP
Family/Pleasure
7|3|7|6|10
+: jewelry, athletic
-: fatness



CANDACE ALMASSY
ANGRY ALMASSY WOMEN REPRESENT
Fortune/Romance
2|3|10|9|2
+: black hair, charismatic
-: hats

Who would YOU like to see as heir?
  
pollcode.com free polls 


I'll be out of town this weekend so voting will be closed on Monday, April 23rd, at 5pm PST. Thanks for reading/voting, and I'll see you next update!